I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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