I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize