omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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