someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
