im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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