Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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