My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
