defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize