There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
