SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
