Life is so much better after having sex.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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