I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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