I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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