and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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