omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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