i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
