do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
