The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
