my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
