So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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