I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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