Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
