Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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