i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
