sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
