is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
