yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
