OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
