I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Banned from zoo.
Again?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
