I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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