my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
