by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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