I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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