hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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