The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
