I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
