Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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