When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
