I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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