??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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