I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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