i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize