I could make wine with my vomit
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize