How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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