youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
