I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
