this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
