hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
