We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
