My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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