i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
