I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize