70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were trust falling into bushes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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