my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
