You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
false alarm. still invincible.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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