from now on my penis is your penis
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
