i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
