two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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